once upon a time...

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keswick, cumbria, United Kingdom
Once upon a time when no one was looking because dark glasses were in that autumn, and no one was listening because the popular music of the time was loud and brassy, the key to life was stolen by two no good good for nothing partners in crime who passed it on with sly winks and too much blusher to the only cat they knew who was up with the jive talk and down with the kids. if all goes to plan she’ll sling it to the back of her knicker drawer and it won’t see the disco lights again, until one day in the winter when the clouds fall like rain and the word on the streets is bring on the black hole, because as everybody knew all along this was only ever just a temporary measure...

Thursday, 27 September 2012

so i would like to tell you a story that i shall call 'The Faith Cake Phenomenon'

and it goes like this...

once upon a time this morning, a lady came in with a box of cakes and we had this conversation right here (with some editing of sentence structure and bad grammar and made up words and huffing on my part):

lady: would you like to buy a cake for charity?
me: what charity is it for please?
lady: (mumbles a collection of initials that sounded like 'Piffles'. and then looks at me as if 'Piffles' pretty much explains absolutely everything that has ever needed explaining.)
me: (ever so patiently because i am ever so patient) and what does your charity raise money for?
lady: Faith.
me: well sorry, it's just my preference, but i only give money to secular charities.
lady: oh we are not a charity specific to any particular religion, we just encourage Faith in general.
me: Faith in what?
lady: anything. (looks at me with a gaze like a very clear puddle)
me: anything at all? ...(trying to be helpful) are you sure?
lady: yes anything. just Faith in general.
me: what like Faith In Yourself? or Faith In Democracy or Faith in The Existence Of Fairies?
lady: (getting a bit frustrated now) YES faith in anything, even atheists have faith in things.
me: (curious) like?
lady:like for example...faith in the fact that you are going to buy a cake today! (looks very pleased with herself for this dazzling piece of genius)
me: that's a little bit vague...i mean that's really quite a conceptual idea for a charity...i mean really, you may as well have a charity that raises money for 'Pathos' or 'Gladness' or 'Ennui'.

(at this point we stare at each other for quite some time.)

lady: Faith is important. Everyone needs Faith in something.
me: hmmmmm well it kind of depends. surely? not all faith can be good. for example Faith in The Effectiveness Of Poking People With a Big Stick wouldn't be the BEST kind of faith would it?
lady: (smiling) are you sure you wouldn't like to buy a cake?
me: (not sure as to whether i am still awake but very sure that i would like this conversation to be over and very much wishing i had a big stick) thank you but NO. i have quite a lot of cake as you can see... (pointing at the cake counter, full of cake, that stands between us like a barrier made of pure irony)

lady: (smiling harder) well you have a lovely day anyway!
me: you too!

and we both lived happily ever after (one of us slightly happier and more unburdened by rationality than the other.)


  1. oh my goodness, that's hilarious. and bizarre.

    1. thanks anna, it was indeed both those things! sometimes i think we need secret cameras!